I choose happy

Hello!

        Having to write a new post every new year could be deemed as a tradition in my blog. Seriously, I hold so much inspiration to write in the New Years because 1) I realize that I like (at least I think I do?) to sum up my year and make a crap load of hopes and wishes with sprinkled glitter in a post, 2) I am compel to write because 3) It's the New Years. And eventually it dies down and I'm back to square one in the following new year. Much motivated. Much driven. Yay. Nonetheless, I made a promise to my 16-year old self that I would keep this blog running, regardless. And I like keeping promises; I know the feeling of being let down from a person you put your absolute trust to, and sometimes, just sometimes, you can see the look on the person's face breaking the promise, without them having the slightest remorse. I abhor you. Jokes aside, I don't want to feel like I don't take myself seriously, and if I don't, who will? Now, I have been getting people to say that I shouldn't take myself too seriously, but given the case, I ought to. It stands for something and I believe that little things like these keep us in check of who we are. Am I making sense? It's the middle of the day, so I should be. Anyway, I have quite a number of attempted blogs when I was starting out high school but I never really commit, which, in fact now, I am thankful for my scared-of-commitment self because I never had a point or a vision for my past blogs although I never really thought of one for this one as well... But, a promise is still a promise! I have been going on tumblr a lot more, though. I write more there, probably because I've written them short, while over here it's more of nitty-gritty, long written essays; this is after all, a blog. But if you're interested, you can read some of my writings here :) Along with some personal photos that I like. Hehe

        If you are a faithful reader of my blog (shout out to my best friend, who read my cringe-worthy posts, my ridiculously bad-written English, you've read it all, gurl) you must have read my posts about being lost and just.... being lost. My gosh, looking back, I was immature during my last few years as a teen - an immature writer or blogger, to say the least; still in my growing years, trying so hard to figure out life. Re-reading those posts made me think now, that I was never lost, how I was just sunken in to a cloud of self-absorbed thoughts. Fearing that I wouldn't do my best, watching my every move so I won't tear down expectations. In retrospect, I now embrace mistakes, I welcome them with my arms wide open. As weird as this may sound, mistakes change you. They make you do better things, achieve greater things. At one point I just allowed it to happen, because I hold the liberty of my actions. Though, I'm not going to lie, that from time to time, a mistake either so trivial  or significant can still have the power to make me feel insecure, because I don't fancy being mocked or belittled. But, through it all, I know mistakes are necessary. Weird to say, but it's true. Although the 19-year-old me staggered her way to being 20, I've come to terms with my mistakes in hindsight. Which is, by all means, an epiphany I have been waiting for to happen. 

         

        

        

       

Uncertainly, not.

       You know how what you expect to be turns out what you expect to be? A disappointment. *knocks on wood* Because how much you've worked hard for it doesn't measure up to your inner expectation. A success. Excellence. You're worried for something that you know will happen but won't say it anyway because it terrifies you to death, you begin to feel remorse for the little effort you made. Maybe I'm just carried away, exaggerating or any sort. But what comes down is this: You get what you deserve. You may not think so, but the good Lord thinks so. And if you think rationally, like really weigh out the reasons, it's pretty logical. At the end of the day, that is your result, whether you like it or not, you got what you deserve. Then you save yourself by feeling indifferent. Indifferent. It's what I have been feeling most of the time. (Go ahead and read my old posts.) Maybe being indifferent is just a layer of protection to hide what's really inside; feelings. Multiple bunch of feelings. Because to be honest, results fear me. Be it from the doctor, my parents or school. They genuinely make my heart beat a little faster than usual, reeling me in to a pool of anxiety. No where out unless I pluck up the courage to see my results. 

       

       So in actual reality, there is no one to blame but my old self; when I had ample time for preparation. For exams after exams, I could've, I could've. But like the old idiom goes, 'No use crying over split milk'.  I hate myself for only realizing it a little too late. (cue Jojo's song) When there's really nothing I can possibly do about it. And I don't think I'll be able to sleep early tonight; me being me, I'd imagine scenarios about tomorrow, how it's going to go down, or up, I hope. Anyway, at least I know I'm not the only one imagining scenarios of the future (it'd totally happen, totally), generally speaking. Yeah, I'm talking about the time when you imagine yourself with your crush on a date, or how you'd bump into each other and laugh at his jokes and he with yours, how you'd picture yourself in an office with your own desk, or how you'd look like with the dress you saw the other day in the shop, then walk around town and accidentally bump into your crush. Don't fool yourself, you know it way too well. 

        Keeping my fingers crossed for tomorrow, and praying that I'd find peace and contentment with my results. Have a good night guys x 

       

Changing rhythms

        How is everyone doing so far? This month for me had been both a blessing and a misfortune one. It all happened so fast that sometimes, I just need a breather. I know, we don't usually put the word 'blessed' and 'misfortune' in the same sentence. But to think that life is all sweet and good? Well, I beg to differ. Everyday just doesn't seem to be your everyday life anymore. You keep an ounce of kindness and a dose of grudge; I hate having to contradict myself but what's life if you're not sugar and spice? What's life if your not yin and yang? I'm not trying to persuade anyone into thinking that it's not okay to like him/her back, even if he/she doesn't feel the way you feel, that it's not okay to keep on asking yourself who in the world smashed your car window, that it's not okay to fail a subject; what I'm saying is, I believe we need to control what we feel and how we feel; to forgive ourselves and accept what has happened. I think it's only best if we attempt to try; and only then will we be zen. ( I think I just rhymed) And everyone must be thinking, "Oh, it's easy for her to say. They're just mere words, anyway." No, I think I can pretty much say that I've been through quite a handful of situations and problems; not that I am being presumptuous or whatever, but be honest with me, have you been living the glitz and glam life all the time? I guess we all have our own experiences and I don't think we would want to trade it with anyone else's.

        Setting that aside, my birthday this year had been the most blessed one so far, I think I can speak for my brother too. It was my brother's 21st birthday; lo and behold he got a surprise birthday party! Mom is always full of surprises; she called out a few of my brother's friends to celebrate his special day of turning 21. In case you didn't know, I share the same birthday as my mom. But the day before my actual birthday, I got a surprise from three of my lovely friends. They're just amazing; I was sitting on the dining table, emailing, when I heard people singing the birthday song, I turned around; and tada the 3 of them were coming towards me with a cake. I was in tears, and I didn't care that I was emotional at that time, I was just happy that it all happened. I didn't mind the few company, it was suffice, adequate. Of course, they called my dad first if they can crash in my house for the day; so it's a no brainer that my dad was in it, too. The next day in church, the youth sang happy birthday to me, like 2 times. I felt so loved I just didn't want the day to end. Dinner was also great; Japanese food is fantastic.

Little bits

        I had been very busy last semester without me even knowing that I was much busier than my first semester, but I'd rather not talk about my studies in this post entry. I would like to bring up about how I've been doing. They are two different things. I just might have the answer now when people ask, "How are you?" 

        I have been telling people my story about my driving test, or rather, my whole experience in the driving institute and I am pretty sure it bore them out already, my bad. But in the end, I pass my driving test. Believe it or not, I wasn't jumping up and down when I heard it. Instead, I felt the weight on my shoulders been put off, that this whole thing is over. That I don't have to step in the driving institute anymore (I did anyway, because I had to get my license done a few days later), that I won't have to be up early Sunday morning for my driving lessons and that it's just finally over. What a relief.

       My New Years Resolution did blew up on me, or I blew up my New Years Resolution. I ticked off a few from the list already (which I am proud of) but I didn't make an entry (at least) each month for my blog. This was on the list. Regardless of this matter, I am still keen to complete my New Years Resolution. Needless to say, I have yet to screw it.

        I have two weeks of my semester break and I am definitely maximizing my time to full use. It's been quite awhile since I cherished my holiday. I had been hitting the books before the holidays and I barely go out on weekdays. So, to reward myself, I will put this holiday to good use (I hope). This past couple of weeks, I have had an unhealthy eating habit. Guilty as charge, I may have had a small ounce of intent to eat unhealthily. Nevertheless, I do make it up for it, though it was never suffice, never enough to outweigh the cons. 

        It has been ages since I last wrote. Ideas or anything at all never seem to appear in my mind whenever I want to write. It's like I'm pulled back by my own waves. Always a shout to the void, and sometimes it's to my pillow-  like it's vague, and all I'm left are words that I can't put together. 

Maybe someday, I would, I hope.

        Ariel and I had finally out our plans to action when we went to Tanjung Aru and give free cookies around the are. The sun was scorching hot but we gave out all 20 packets of cookies (4 in each). It was a random act of kindness we wanted to do and with that being said, we have a bunch of plans we want to do this year. I'll keep you guys an update about this. 

        Just wanted to let you guy know with what's going on although this is just a few of what had happened in the course of five months. When you actually come to think of it, five months is not as short as you think it may be. A lot of in-between's and running for errands. I will be sure to update my blog anytime I'm free, till then! x 

        

         

         

Hello, 2015

 2014 has definitely been a year filled with confusion and being lost. But what makes life life is that, we can't really make everything happen the way we want it to be, because life has to be unpredictable. And to be honest, every downfall and every happiness I have encountered link and connect to each other, in the most oddly beautiful way. ( It really seems like it, not kidding) God really knows how to make a life in every living soul.

I'm also really thankful for the people who have stood by me during my rocky times. I genuinely have no idea what life would be like and how in the world would I go through 2014 if it weren't for my friends and family. My best friend, Rhian has been coping up with my endless (self-)doubt(s) and worries, boy problems (let's be real here, this happens almost every year) and dumb blonde moments. Although we don't see each other every day like we use to, it's always a joy to meet her when she's back in town. We would have endless stories to tell although sometimes we do enjoy sharing silent moments together HAHA. And to my close friends in church (you know who the 6 of you are) who have always, always took good care of me, loving me regardless.

     It was not a bad year, my relatives from the Philippines and Thailand came here to Malaysia to pay us a visit and I met my childhood friends when I went to Penang and Tawau. 

It is without a doubt a year full of surprises, full of anticipation and full of life decision-making. 

I overlooked the happiness because what came of me was something I should have never even put in to account. With that being said, I am definitely looking forward to this year, to more tougher challenges, stepping out of my comfort zone, unexpected life journey and more genuine happiness.

     So cheers to the end of 2014, and to the beginning of 2015 :)

A mess, but still in place

It has been a very long time since I updated my blog.I have been really busy with a lot of things and I could not find the time to sit down and blog. But now since the holidays have started for me, I feel obliged to update my blog. It hasn't been easy on me this year, a lot of goodbye's and a lot of feeling blue, a lot of reminiscing and definitely a lot of missing someone. A lot of building new friendships and some old friends just drifted apart. We're not as close now, but who says that all friendship remains? I guess I accept things more now and I want to acknowledge that. Looking back to the same date last year and today, it was totally different in terms of thinking and feeling and people I talk to. Regardless, I should feel blessed that it didn't happen any other way but I can't help but to question why it happened when it is the very fundamental reason that helps build me and mold me into who I am today. It could have happened in another way, it could have.

    And I don't know whether being vulnerable is a blessing or a curse. Or maybe I self-analyse a lot, ignoring the integral parts and go right down to the bruises, marks, the dirt and tear myself open until I am left with nothing but bones. And when it's not enough, I re-analyse myself until I am sadly satisfied. And every time a mistake happens, I tell myself that it is not their fault, it is not their fault. And sometimes, when they forget important dates, or important things, I tell myself it is okay, they are just more busy than I am. So I choose not to be sad, or depressed, although what you read earlier might sound otherwise. I have become very ignorant in things like these now, I have been pouring my mind with history facts and music lyrics.
"Adam Smith have come up with the idea of free trade in his book 'The Wealth Of Nations'."
"Cold war in 1945 between America and Russia are one of the side effects of World War II"
"During the ruling of King Charles II, the parliament have approved Habeas Corpus Act in the year 1679"
"If the water dries up, and the moon stops shining, stars fall, and the world goes blind boy, you know, I'd be saving my love for you"

     Because I very much disapprove in romanticizing depression and sad people. It seems like loving the idea of depression has more love than the idea of love itself. Other teens feel like loving the way of how he/she is sad or depress is so much more romantic. And it is like to die for.

     Things don't often turn out the way we wanted it to be. And I have really begin to experience that over a few months. In fact, nothing seem to turn out the way I wanted it to be prior. But it's not like I hold a grudge over it, I try not to feel. And this is what I fear the most.